These are just a few of the many questions and concerns that were flowing through my mind when i found out that I was pregnant with TeShon Marques (Judah).
I was so young, scared and disappointed on myself. I didn't want to be pregnant again and have everyone continue to think poorly of me. I was scared for the son I already had at the time...would he be okay if he had a brother? Would I be able to raise them both to be great adults? I was scared for the baby inside of me. What would he think of me if I kept him? Although I was (and still am) against abortions, should I get one? Would I be able to raise this baby? I already was having such a hard time with my first son and struggling to give him a good life. Did I want to spend the rest of my life with Mankar? Should I move in with Mankar now that we have a baby on the way?
All I was full of is questions!! (I hate questions) For three months I didn't say anything to anyone, and then I finally was 100% sure that I was pregnant and had a bit of courage to tell my mother. I told her by writing her a letter. I gave it to her when she dropped me off at the train station, on my way to school. I truely broke her heart that day. I got pregnant a second time and caused more stress and chaos for our household. I couldn't say anything but sorry over and over again. I didn't mean to get pregnant again and I didn't want to be pregnant again. I was going through so much emotional and mental chaos, I didn't have a clear mind at all. I came home from school that day to a very hurt, upset and disappointed family. I wished that I could just disappear. Of course God wouldn't permit that, I had to deal with the consiquences of my actions yet again.
Due to my biological family not being supportive to me at all through my first pregnancy, I never told them about my second. They still do not know to this day (Feb 26 2013). I wish so badly that I could tell them, but they are not the most understanding of people unfortunately. I do love them though. I do plan to inform them one day...hopefully sooner then later (God help me). My church family has always been there for me though...through everything! I love them all to bits and would never be able to be without them (Christian City Church North Calgary). They have seen me grow into who I am today and are continuing to stand by my side as I grow in God and as a person.
When I told my mother I was pregnant between us we decided to go and speak with Pastor Bill (who is like a father to me). He spoke with all of us, including Mankar, and suggested that we consider giving our baby up for adoption. Mankar and I were against this so much at first. There was no way I was going to abandon my baby and give him away to somebody else to raise. I wanted to raise my baby, I wanted my son to have a brother and I wanted us all to be a family. After our meeting with PB, I thought more about everything, talked to my mom, and councellors to help me make my decision. Everybody kept telling me that I had time and to take my time in my decision, which I planned on doing. I got more information on adoption and it started to open up my mind a bit more and put my heart ar ease about adoption. I was still very unsure, but I was considering it.
At about four months of being pregnant with Judah, I broke up with Mankar. This was super stressful on him and also on me, although it was my decision. We were having a lot of problems between us, and me now being pregnant helped me to see that I wasn't ready to settle down with him and that keeping our baby may be a problem for us. I was not feeling confident that we could raise our baby good enough. My first son's dad already had bailed on us and I didn't want that to happen again. I didn't want my sons to both be hurt or myself. So I left him.
Then at 25 weeks pregnant on December 6 I suddenly was having intense labour pains and had to go into to hospital to find out that I was ten centimetres dialated and that Judah was coming out that night! I was very miserable! I had already been going through so much stress the last five months with the pregnancy and trying to go to school and then to find out that I am going to have an early baby, he may not come out alive and the worst thing at the time for me was that I had to have another C-Section (I had a bit of a tantrum about that). Anyways I had no choice but to get the C-Section done, I had a quick cry about it and then they rolled me away into surgery. The doctors were SO concerned about the fact that I may have had a still birth. I on the other hand had no concerns about that what so ever. They kept reminding me about it, but I had no doubt or worry in my heart that there was going to be anything wrong with him. God reassured me so much that I had not a worry in the world, except that I didnt want a C-Section lol. (Praise God! He truely is amazing and all powerful!)
The surgery took about half an hour to forty five minutes i think. I was very high off of the morphine the hospital had given me though so I am not 100% sure of the time. Finally he was out, to the doctors suprise he was alive! (Praise God!!) After the doctors had been proven wrong by God they continued to give us false doubts saying they he would be a vegitable and have many health issues for sure as he grew. At the time I was still feeling rather confident in God that everything would be OK, but after seeing Judah for the first time i began to feel doubtful. He could not open his eyes yet, he could not breath on his own, he could not eat, he could not be held, he lived in an incubator. It hurt my heart so much to see him in this kind of condition. The memories still make me cry and feels like a stab to my heart. It was so unfair to him! And it was all my fault! I am the one who brought him into this world, and I made it a terrible entrance. Having a baby is supposed to be a happy experience, and I have yet to experience that.
I instantly decided that I was going to keep him. I didnt know how I was going to do it, but I wanted my son to love and protect him forever. Over the next two days I thought some more about it logically and decided I wouldnt be able to afford it and I wouldnt be able to parent either of my sons well enough. So I called the adoption agency and told them that I had decided to place for adoption. I had to stay in the hospital for a little while and Allison from the agency had come to see me a few times and make sure this was the right decision for me and for my baby boy.It took me so long to go through the process and pick a family.Judah had to stay in the hospital and we were not sure when he was going to be able to come home, so I took my time in picking and going through the adoption process.
Mankar was not in agreement with me about the adoption at the time. He wanted to keep his son so badly, which i can completely understand. It took him a little while to get on board with the adoption, but he eventually did and I am so proud of him for doing so. He is Judah's hero! I thank God that Mankar is Judah's biological father, because I know that Mankar loves Judah so deeply as a father should!
When he was about 2 months old I was able to hold him for the first time ever.This was one of the best days of my life! He was the tiniest thing I had ever held. So precious and fragile. I never wanted to let him go. I just wanted to hold him and protect him from everything, and it has been one of the most difficult situations for me because I havent been able to do that with him from day 1. And I never will be able to do that for him. I believe that God let that happen for a reason, as everything happens for the glory of God.
There was this family from my church that I love some much. We had begun making plans for them to adopt Judah. We started getting really excited and making plans, but then there were some complications that caused the family to not be able to adopt him. I was so stressed out! I hardly had any time left.
Then when he was about three months old I was told that he was to be coming out of the hospital within about a week! This was exciting! He was doing so much better! He looked and acted more like a newborn baby. I was so happy that he was doing so well.(Praise God again!) This time was very bittersweet for me, as of course I was so happy that he was able to come home but I had to begin the process of letting go of him. All this time I had been coming to visit him at the hospital regularily, I had been pumping milk for him and I was his parent. The first thing I had to do was stop pumping milk for him. I did not think this was going to be difficult at all. But when I got to the hospital to drop off my last amount I felt like I was drowning. I was so devistated! I didn't know if I could do it. I almost asked one of the nurses if I could change my mind, but I tried to just calm myself down and get through it. I did, but i cried when I was leaving.
I needed to pick a family for him right away. I was beginning to really panick. Allison gave me a bunch of family profiles, and i narrowed it down to two. There was a husband and wife who had given birth to twins but their babies had died in the hospital. And then there was Joni and Ben and the kids. Allison said she would give me the night to think about it. As soon as she left i talked with my mother about the two profiles and we came to the conclusion that Ben and Joni would be our match! I figured out that the only reason I was considering the other family was because I pitied them, and that is no reason for me to trust my son's life to them. That week we went to meet Ben and Joni for the first time. I was so excited and nervous, I could not wait! I just knew deep in my soul that they were the family for my son! They were perfect! And after meeting them that 1% of doubt was gone and I gave them my son that night. They have loved and cherished him from day 1 that they met him and a i love them so deeply for that!
Ben and Joni, thank you for taking my son and making him a part of your family. I love him so much and sometimes to be honest I wish I was able to have kept him, but I know without a doubt that he is your son and that he is 100% better off with you then he would have been with me. You guys have been a blessing to me and my family and I thank God for you!
